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MARRIAGE KILLERS 1. INTRODUCTION In our series so far, we’ve looked at what we’re designed to be in marriage. But what kinds of things are outside the design? What kinds of things kill marriages?
The renowned Christian, family psychologist, Dr. James Dobson, was asked that very question. And this morning we’re going to explore a summary of Dr. Dobson’s response through the lens of Scripture. After a lifetime of family counseling and ministry, here are the top 10 killers listed by Dobson:
2. THE LIST #1 KILLER: Over-commitment and physical exhaustion- This is especially true among young couples. Imagine planning your first years of marriage and saying- “Let’s go to college, work full-time, have a baby, fix up a house, and start a new business… all at the same time!” There’s few people who would deliberately plan this, but as challenges heap up in life, this is exactly what many couples find themselves doing- and it can set up a deadly pattern of behavior.
When asked the greatest threat to family stability, this is what Dobson says counselors face with disturbing regularity: The scenario involves a vulnerable woman who depends on her husband to meet her emotional needs and a workaholic man who has little time for family responsibilities. Year after year she reaches for him and finds he’s not there. She nags, complains, cries, and attacks him for his failures- to no avail. He is carrying the load of three men in his business or profession and can’t figure out how to keep that enterprise going while providing what his wife needs. As time goes by, she becomes increasingly angry, which drives him even further into his workaday world. He is respected and successful there. And thereafter he is even less accessible to her. Then one day, to her husband’s shock, this woman reaches a breaking point and either leaves him for someone else or files for divorce.
From the first moments of marriage, it is critical we understand what is really important, and live those priorities. What standard of living is high enough? How many overtime hours at the expense of family hours? How high up the career ladder is high enough?
Or to ask it another way: In twenty years, what will be more precious to you; a fancier office, or a relationship with your wife or children, deepened by twenty years of meaningful connection? The answer starts now. Eccl 3:1 1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: There is a time for every basic act of living, like earning a living, and there is a time to refrain from it to do something else. God has a promise here- Eccl 8:5-6 Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure. For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter.
Balance is the key. -To balance means to set priorities. Setting wise priorities means truly understanding what’s important. Understanding what’s truly important comes by looking through the eyes of truth- that is the eye’s of God, Himself. Doing everything in its time reduces stress … the stress that rips the joy from life and marriage.
#2 KILLER: Excessive credit and conflict over how money will be spent- Eccl 7:12 12 Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this: that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor. (NIV) God tells us where we’re supposed to be storing up real treasure- with Him. We all want nice things, but when Christians bury themselves in debt in order to gratify themselves with things they can’t afford- it isn’t just a money problem, it’s a spiritual problem. Money can be a shelter or it can be a deathblow to your marriage- the difference is wisdom.
#3 KILLER: Selfishness- James 3:16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. (NIV) What exactly is selfishness? Here’s how the dictionary defines it: 1 too much concerned with one's own welfare or interests and having little or no concern for others; self-centered 2 showing or prompted by self-interest[1]
If we could look down the line of every evil action back to the dawn of time, do you know what we’d find? Self-centeredness… self-interest would be somewhere at the heart of it. A gratifying marriage hinges on each partner putting the other first. So what could be deadlier than selfishness? Unfortunately, it is so embedded in our human nature that it is the first thing we do, the last thing we see, and the hardest thing to admit.
I would like those with Bibles to turn to Galatians chapter 5, and keep a finger in there because we’re going to refer to it throughout the course of the message. –Because, this chapter gives us an incredible list of killers, starting at verse 19: Gal 5:19-21 19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. (NIV) Think about it: Selfishness is ranked up there with orgies and worshiping idols, even witchcraft! Why? -Because selfishness is a murderer.
#4 KILLER: Unhealthy relationships with in-laws- The Pharisees were experts at loaded questions and divorce was a big one. Mark 10:2-9 2 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?"
And here’s where the conversation ends up- 6 "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 7 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, …and the two will become one flesh.' … (NIV) Do you see what happened here? A question on divorce to Jesus, ends with the in-laws. Parents, the greatest wedding gift you can give your children is to acknowledge the relationship has changed. Until this point, the top loyalty of that young man and woman was their parents. Then they pledge themselves to each other before God, and everything changes. That young man and woman are now ‘one flesh.’ They must be respected as ‘one flesh’. And that is especially important when children enter the equation. Parents, grandparents- how you view your married children as ‘one flesh’ will determine whether you are a support, or a stress to their marriage.
#5 KILLER: Unrealistic expectations- It’s kind of a funny thing; even though 100% of marriages are imperfect, many newly weds feel that somehow they’ll beat the odds. Expecting a perfect marriage between two imperfect people is to expect the impossible. And unfortunately ladies, research shows that unrealistic expectations are especially true among American women. Dr. Dobson puts the result this way, “The consequent disappointment is an emotional minefield.”
The book of Ruth is a touching story of a young woman whose husband dies and the only deeply loving relationship in her life is with her mother in-law, Naomi. Listen to this vow Ruth makes to Naomi: Ruth 1:16-17 …Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." (NIV) Husbands, wives…I can’t help but wonder how many more marriages would survive… how many would remain vital if this was the one expectation we held for our union before God.
#6 KILLER: Invasion of personal space- Here is a reality that’s proven over and over again: Insecure partners are destined to destroy the relationship by suffocation. In their insecurity, they try to build a cage around their partner, and the bars are made of envy and jealousy. Let’s go back to Galatians. Gal 5:19-21 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: … discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions… I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
The insecure partner becomes threatened even by the other’s innocent relationships. It interferes with their selfish ambition to possess their partner. In their jealousy, they fly into fits of rage. If that describes you in any way let me emphasize this: With all due haste, deal with your insecurity. Bring it before God. Ask God to bring you to wise counsel. And this is why: You will never have a long, loving relationship until this weakness is healed. Even if you move on to a second, third, or fourth union- you will eventually suffocate them all. As Dobson puts it, “Love must be free, and it must be confident.”
#7 KILLER: Sexual frustration especially combined with the greener grass of infidelity- Prov 9:17-18 "Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious!" But little do they know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depths of the grave. (NIV) Several years ago, the family stopped in a health food store in the Boston area. And in our never-ending quest for guilt-free sweets, Kathy picked up some delicious looking carob bars. We were hungry and as she unwrapped that bar, it looked like the tastiest chocolate. And I’m thinking, “Yummy, I’ve got to talk her out of a bite of that.” And she sinks her teeth into this bar, and as she pulls it away, we look to see what delicious filling is in that bar. But what we see instead, are all these little spiders coming out. …I decided I didn’t want a bite after all. Kathy has never gotten over that bar yet! A sexual hunger that satisfies itself in infidelity tastes sweet at first, but eventually the spiders come out. The dead are there. Every affair embraces the grave.
#8 KILLER: Dramatic shift in career- Career failure is especially devastating to men. Men have such a strong tendency to define themselves by what they do. So, when they lose a career, they lose self-value. And when we lose self-value, we tend to lose value in everything close to us. But failure isn’t the only danger. Dramatic success can be just as dangerous.
Stresses- negative or positive, can cause a spouse to lose grip on their marriage. It’s no wonder Solomon wrote: Prov 30:8 … give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. (NIV) Edward Fitzgerald once said, “One of the saddest pages kept by the recording angel is the record of souls that have been damned by success.”
#9 KILLER: Alcohol and substance abuse- In our indulgent culture, few things do more damage than substance abuse. Substance abuse destroys the individual; it dissolves them into an empty shell. And if you are destroyed as an individual, how can you possibly have a successful partnership with someone else? You cannot be a good husband; you cannot be a good wife. In the grips of this killer- You cannot be a good mom, you can’t even be a good womb. Crack babies, fetal alcohol syndrome, effects of smoking- substance abuse has brought baby after baby into this world crippled before they’ve even had a chance to live. What tragedy can be more heart-wrenching and what could be a greater stress on a relationship than that?
Galatians 5- …drunkenness, … and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
#10 KILLER: Pornography, gambling, and other addictions- In our human nature- we have this tendency to get hooked on the very things that harm us. Dobson writes this: I’ve made a twenty-year study of those who wreck their lives. Their problems often begin in experimentation with a known vice and ultimately end in death… or the death of a marriage. [He warns]…All that is needed to grow the most vigorous weeds is a small crack in the sidewalk.
A few months ago, there was a very revealing program on the effects of gambling in our culture. At one point they focused on the effects of Internet gambling, which is perhaps the most insidious of all, because it is only a click away and open to all age groups. They read a letter from an elderly lady who had built a lifetime of equity. Her plan had been to leave financial support for her children and grandchildren. She was in a position to open financial doors to college and career building. But she became obsessed with Internet gambling, and she lost her savings. Eventually, she even lost her home and had to move in with her adult children. Instead of being a financial support to her family, she became their burden. And what’s disturbing is this is not an isolated incident. Addiction to gambling is crushing the lives of countless families all across this nation.
When it comes to pornography, Dr. Dobson speaks as an authority as he served on the Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography since the 1980’s. He writes this: It is extremely important to understand what is being produced and sold by pornographers today… It is commonly believed that mainstream pornography is represented by the centerfolds in today’s men’s magazines. In fact, that is precisely what the… sex industry wants us to think. But if a man were to go into the sex shops … in [the] large cities … he would find very few depictions of normal heterosexual activity. Instead, he would see a heavy emphasis on violent homosexual and lesbian scenes, on excrement, mutilation, enemas, oral and anal sex, instrumentation for the torture of men and women, and depictions of sex between humans and animals.
Let me ask you a question; if a partner is using this kind of stuff as a basis of stimulation, what kind of sexual activity do you think they’ll want from their spouse? Last week, we talked about Jesus presenting His bride, the church, as blameless, pure, and without stain. And that is the example for the husband to follow. There is no way to converge these two realities. A partner addicted to pornography has only three options: 1. Reduce the spouse to this level of gratification- 2. Become unfaithful and look for it elsewhere- 3. Get out of the poison.
Little wonder that Proverbs gives one of its longest passages to this topic. Here’s a summary starting at verse 10: Prov 7:10-27 10 Then out came a woman to meet him, dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent. 11 She is loud and defiant, her feet never stay at home… 16 I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt. 17 I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon. 18 Come, let's drink deep of love till morning; let's enjoy ourselves with love! 19 My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey. … 21 With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. 22 All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose 23 till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life. 24 Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what I say. 25 Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. 26 Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng. 27 Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death. (NIV) In our day, this isn’t simply the adulterous woman… it is an entire sex industry. It is armed with high technology and years of practiced manipulation and perversion. They eat the innocent, they rape lives, and they disease the normal appetites. Pornography kills what is human in whomever it touches. Gal 5:19-21 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; … I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
3. CONCLUSION: Imagine you are at home. You hear someone quietly forcing the lock on your front door. You know that there are a group of murderers prowling your community. You even know some of your neighbors who have been victims. Can you imagine yourself sitting there thinking, “That sounds like them breaking in now. But I’m not going to take any action. I’ll just hope for the best, that they won’t kill my family.”
In effect, this very scenario is going on right now. The killers may not be physical criminals, but they are every bit as deadly. And the door isn’t on the front of your house, but the front of your heart. It all starts with what you allow in there.
In our culture, there is an ugly rampage of murder going on… murder of marriages, and families. But it doesn’t have to be that way. –Because, there is someone else knocking as well: Rev 3: 20-22. Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if any one hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. … He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says...
Husband… wife… you have a choice. There are two, very different entities knocking on the door of your marriage, or young people, your future marriage… One type is a murderer, and the other is life Himself. Which are you going to invite in?
As great as they sound, the principles of God are useless without the presence of God. They’ll only lead to frustration and guilt. Jesus says, in John 15: 4. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. Husbands and wives, why does Jesus say this to you? 11. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. Who are you going to invite into your marriage?
[1]Excerpted from Compton's Interactive Encyclopedia. Copyright (c) 1994, 1995 Compton's NewMedia, Inc. All Rights Reserved
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